Send The Buggers Back

Confirmation comes today that Scottish & Newcastle are going to waste time and money and, even worse, piss me off by introducing new glassware emblazed with units of alcohol. And not just a few, but four million of the buggers by 2010. And then they intend to roll out the concept to other brands. Lovely.

Without revisiting the farce surrounding the flawed concept of units, anyone can see this for what is it: a shameless act of appeasement to the anti-alcohol lobby. Unfortunately, no one seems to have told Mark Given, S&N UK brands director, that appeasement seldom works. The enemy merely scents blood. His lame excuse is however worth printing for the comedy factor alone: “Foster’s has long been at the forefront of dispense innovation and we wanted to create a glass to complement the brand’s unrivalled draught credentials.”

Now my advice is to steal or smash these insidious vessels of the devil. Then S&N may get the message. However, those of you wishing to take the Gandhi option may simply prefer to refuse to be served with them. When faced with a round of them, remember the immortal words of Half A Shilling and burst into full song with:

“Send the buggers back, oh send the buggers back,
These aren't the ones I wanted, son, I'm sending them straight back”.

A Nut By Any Other Name

Professor David Nutt certainly likes controversy-he’s courted much of it lately and won many admirers. Some however looked beyond the initial rumpus and questioned his underlying motives. Was he an innocent victim of politicking or, as the Pub Curmudgeon would have it: “In the final analysis, Nutt is not a hero of rationality and free speech, he is just, at heart, another Righteous bansturbator”.

Well it appears he has nailed his colours to the mast and he is indeed nuttier than a bowl of Swiss Muesli. In interviews today he reiterates his belief that alcohol should be a controlled substance, saying “This is not a stunt. I mean it. Alcohol will kill your kids not Ecstasy”. Failing that he would like to see the price of alcohol doubled, if not tripled. However, he claims not to be a puritan having enjoyed the odd booze binge and even dabbled with the odd drug or two when he was younger. So that just makes him a hypocrite then.

Prof Nutt should have stuck to his Bunsen burners and kept out of social policy. He’s gone way beyond his remit or, indeed, his expertise. His sacking now seems like a blessing in disguise. It’s hard to believe but sometimes politicians do get it right.

Reach For The Sky (But Not The Vodka)

And now for something completely different-a tale of woe taken from my Law and Disorder blog.

A 47 year old mother was arrested and charged with supplying a minor with alcohol after asking her teenage daughter to help her shop for a cocktail party. Petite Sue Savage asked daughter Tara, 15, to reach up and fetch £10 of vodka and mixers down from a high shelf at their local Co-Op. A seemingly reasonable request, as not only could she not reach, she was doubly handicapped by wearing an ankle brace. Whilst Tara on the other hand is an impressive 6ft 3in, so has no such problems.

The trouble began when she tried to pay for the items and a supervisor appeared and warned her that they suspected her of supplying booze to a minor. After tiring of explaining herself and not wishing to make a scene, Sue left without the alcohol. However, she returned later and (rightly I feel) insisted on purchasing the bottles, despite the manager now warning her that she was breaking the law.

Being an innocent in these matters and somewhat worried, she later rang the police to clarify the matter. Imagine her surprise when not only did they appear on her doorstep two hours later, they told her to return the bottles. And to add insult to injury, they arrested her and gave her a fixed £80 penalty.

Sue quite rightly now plans to fight this ridiculous fine in court and said: "It's ridiculous. Does this mean anyone with children cannot go shopping with them and buy alcohol?" Apparently not if the Keystone Cops have anything to do with it. And the overzealous Co-Op need a reality check as well.

You couldn’t make this stuff up...

Bury Beer Festival

Good news for local drunks, I mean ale aficionados, with the confirmation that Bury Beer Festival will be going ahead after all. As usual the venue will be Bury Met on the 20th/21st November with opening hours of 12-11 on both days and an entry fee of £4. As there is no Camra involvement this year, the format will be somewhat different, with there being an emphasis on live music throughout both days. Beer wise, local brewers will be peddling their wares, so expect to see the likes of Moorhouses, Thwaites, Phoenix etc. Not forgetting, of course, Bury’s very own Outstanding Brewery. Be there or be somewhere else...

Through The Barricades (Or The Designated Alcohol Zone)

Interesting news today with the report that Oldham (yes, them again) council are planning to “get tough” with supermarkets selling cheap grog. They’ve written to 17 stores warning of new trading conditions that they may apply if the store sells alcohol for less than 50p a unit. These primarily focus on having an in-store designated alcohol zone with a clear “gateway” to the zone and various conditions liable to the zone, such as having to provide a security officer for the zone and a ban on promotions outside of the zone.

Many of these conditions frankly sound like nonsense: There will be a limit on the size of promotional material advertising cheap drink-maximum 20cm x 10cm and a requirement to display one of five responsible drinking messages!
Of course this follows hot on the heels of their plans to impose similar conditions on town centre pubs and clubs. But hold on, you might say, didn’t most of those conditions fail at the first hurdle? Yes, as well these might if the likes of Tesco wish to flex their legal muscles. For, rather worryingly for a local authority, Oldham seem to have a shaky grasp of the law and like to put the cart before the horse, licensing wise.

It would be in the interests of drinkers everywhere if these proposals were to fall by the wayside. For as Peter Coulson, legal editor of the Morning Advertiser, warns, any attack on the supermarkets is merely part of a general attack on the whole licensed trade and could have worrying consequences for the on-trade.

The Circle Of Life

A busy day today. I’ve just returned from watching a piece of Bury’s drinking history being razed. Yes, the Brickcroft Tavern on Brook St has been reduced to a pile of, er, bricks. Sadly, the writing has been on the wall for some time now, as I speculated in this earlier story.

I used to pop in there in the 70s on my way back from school. I think Jim Grimshaw was the landlord back then and it was there I developed a taste for Tuborg snakebite before eventually graduating onto Thwaites Mild and then Bitter. Like all pubs, it had its share of mini-crisis and made the local paper on more than once occasion. A plaque commemorating local Fusiliers killed at Gallipoli was found in a nearby scrapyard and hung over the bar until an appeal found some of their descendants. And in 2005 police were called after the licensee found an unwelcome guest in her bed-her naked, estranged partner!

But it’s not called the circle of life for nothing. Out with the old, in with the new, as Jordan likes to say. And so it was I found myself enjoying breakfast early this morning at Bury’s newest pub. A liquid breakfast, naturally, for as Tandleman says: beer is the finest of breakfast drinks.

The Art Picture House in on the site of the former Chicago Rock and is named after the original Art Deco cinema that was built there in 1923. A grade 11 listed building, J.D.Wetherspoons have spent some £850,000 restoring it and a jolly nice job they have done. It’s got plenty of distinct drinking areas and has a mix of tables and comfy seats. The large, central, wraparound bar is unusual for Bury and is complemented by a smaller bar at the other side of the room.

Five handpumps are in action, although two are taken up by Spoons usual suspects. I kicked off with a couple of pints of Moorhouses Black Cat before switching to Pride of Pendle. Being a Lloyds No. 1 outlet will mean late night dancing and high jinks for the kids and wannabe youngsters. What they will make of it and indeed how long it will remain pristine under their tender ministrations we will have to see. But for now, it’s a very welcome addition to the town centre’s drinking scene.

Incidentally, our local punting expert tells me that there had been speculation that the Brickcroft would become a brothel. I think I was actually the source of this rumour, having speculated about its position within the punting triangle. So it’s good to know someone is reading this, even if it is only admirers of ladies of the night.

Time for tea and preparations for this evenings jaunt, I think.

Some Good Cheer

Some good news for once on the local pub scene. The Star Inn at Broughton in Salford has been saved by locals who have clubbed together to buy it at auction for £80,000. The Star on Back Hope Street is a lovely little pub in a conservation area that seemed doomed when Robinsons announced their decision to sell it. However, in just a matter of weeks, a consortium was formed and hopefully they have now secured its future. Having enjoyed many a cosy lock-in sat in the vault, I congratulate them and wish them all the best for the future.