The Fool On The Hill

It’s often said that first they came for the smokers, then the drinkers. Who will be next? The answer, it appears, is cheese eaters. Yes, they’ve sunk to new lows and targeted the most sacred foodstuff on the planet. Cry me a river, for outrage and disgust swells in my breast.

The scene of this heinous act was Westfield Children’s Centre, in Pemberton, Wigan. Two-year old Jack Ormisher was about to tuck into a cheese sandwich that his mother had made for him, when the food police swooped.

Staff refused to allow Jack to eat his sandwich on the grounds that “it was not on its list of recommended foods.” Yes, they really do have a list of “recommended” foods. Recommended in this case meaning like it or lump it. They offered him fruit and vegetables instead. No wonder he burst into tears.

Who are these food Nazis who would crush the basic God given right of every Englishman to enjoy cheese when and where he wants?

A Cheese Nazi apologist said: “The centre has a list of recommended healthy food, according to national guidelines, which children are encouraged to eat. A cheese sandwich would not feature on the list.”

Laughingly she went on to say that no child would ever be denied food. How humane of them. Of course they’ve got it wrong, anyway. Their precious guidelines (and where have we heard this before?) are meaningless. Only recently it was proven that eating the recommended portion of veg and fruit is basically pointless. Cheese, on the other hand, has many healthy benefits.

Luckily the story has a happy ending. Jack has now been reunited with his cheese sandwiches at a nursery not run by crackpots and Stalinists. But let this be a warning to us all. We must keep ever vigilant lest our cheese eating rights be swept away.


MicMac said…
I read that eating fruit might not have quite the cancer-preventing power that some had thought, I didn't know "eating the recommended portion of veg and fruit is basically pointless" & as much as I'm a lover of good cheese, I doubt it's true.
Tyson said…
I didn’t say eating the recommended portion is bad, merely that is basically pointless. Which it is. Stripped of the hyperbole of possible cancer busting powers, a portion of veg is just that. A portion of a low fat foodstuff. Eating them is fine, but it is quite possible to live a very healthy lifestyle without ever touching any of the so called “5 a day”.

There are no studies that I know of that demonstrate someone eating the recommended portions will substantially gain over someone who doesn’t. That, to me, qualifies as “practically pointless”.

Cheese, on the other hand, has a wealth of literature to sing its praises. It’s a fantastic source of protein, calcium and phosphorus, for starters. It’s also (which I knew already) now accepted that, contrary to old wives tales, cheese actually aids sleep. Some studies even indicate that cheese can help to fight tooth decay.

But what about the high saturated fat content, you ask? Well yes, like most food, eating too much could make you fat-but even then; genetics is apparently instrumental in that.

Clogs your arteries and increases your chance of heart disease? Nope. There are no studies that conclusively singularly link cheese to heart disease. France and Greece, the two biggest cheese eating nations, actually have low levels of it.

I could go on-but I think you get the picture:)
Tandleman said…
Bastards. They'll be stopping children drinking and smoking next. It just won't do.

Maybe emulating the surrender monkeys isn't such a bad thing? Vive La Reduced Fat Cheddar.
NAM said…
It's Wigan. The list of recommended foods is

1. Pies

Note that Uncles Joe's are a medicine, not a food.
RedNev said…
It'll all come around again; remember the Woody Allen documentary, Sleeper?
HardKnott Dave said…
Cheese sandwich is a basic food group. I like a little bit of onion in mine.

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