I've Got No Strings

It all started with Cookie. Acting like some big lady blogger’s blouse, he brought politics into the rarefied atmosphere of beer blogging. Then we had the TV debates and people in the pub stopped talking about proper pub topics-sex and sport and started discussing the economy instead. Now with a raft of leaflets pushed through the door, even I am forced to admit this election malarkey is getting serious.

Now Cookie has made it clear that he won’t be voting on the basis of pubs and beer. It’s always interesting to have an insight into the lout drinker’s way of thinking, but of course for the pongy ale enthusiast, it’s a different matter.

When your best friend is the pint of Old Fart’s XXX Mild you’re nurturing in your hand and the highlight of your week is wondering if the tramp sat next to you in Spoons will share his XL bag of Mini Cheddars; there is no more important issue than pubs and booze.

Consider the worries: Will VAT be increased on pub grub? Meaning I would have to cook something myself. Will crippling bureaucracy mean cutbacks in heating? Meaning being forced to wear woolly jumpers and gloves.

Will pubs be forced to scrap showing sport on TV? Meaning I would be obliged to spend time with my relatives in order to watch the match. Ultimately will the pub actually close? Leaving me destitute and out in the street. Or worse, forced to go home.

Considering the massive issues involved here, I decided it was about time I took a close look at the prospective candidates who want my vote.*

(1) Richard Baum-Liberal Democrat. A lot of people (some who should know better) have said they intend to vote LD. I think Vince Cable is in favour of minimum pricing, but the local candidate hasn’t furnished me with any info on himself. Or even tried to canvass my vote. Falls at the first hurdle.

(2) Bill Brison-Independent. Might be an Old Fart’s XXX Mild drinker. Might not. I know nothing about him or his policies. Falls at the first hurdle.

(3) Stephen Evans-UKIP. Actually goes out of his way to say he wants the smoking ban repealed. Clearly bonkers, so let’s move on.

(4) Maryam Khan-Labour. As Labour are seen as having no practical chance of winning the seat, Ms Khan was parachuted in to give her some experience. Described to me by a high-ranking, anonymous, Labour Party mole as “vacuous”, she carries a “nice but dim” tag.

Her website mentions her commitment to investment, family, education etc but no mention of the really serious issues of pubs and beer. She is, however, the only one of the candidates I would consider sleeping with.

(5) Graeme Lambert-Pirate Party. Only 18 and seems like a nice lad. Lives down the road from me, so handy if I want to complain about my bins not being emptied. Yes, I do know that’s the Council’s responsibility.

Their manifesto seems worryingly sensible for a single policy party. Reform of the copyright laws to enable legal downloading, reform of the libel laws (overdue) and they are opposed to ID cards and the surveillance State.

But...no mention of booze. I’m concerned he might be a secret teetotaller.

(6) John Maude-BNP. Drinks in the Trackside. Obviously likes a drop of Old Fart’s XXX Mild, so he’s got half my vote already. Has a fantastic handlebar moustache, so that’s another 25% of my vote...But he’s more crackers than someone stuck in a crackers factory at Christmas. I don’t have many standards, but voting for the mentally impaired is one of them.

(7) David Nuttall-Conservatives. Allegedly a CAMRA member, but if he is, he keeps quiet about it. Of course he does, you’re thinking. Still, he hasn’t signed up to CAMRA’s Election Charter, so I’m suspicious. Proud to be a God botherer and thinks the return of fox hunting is a priority. Fails for the same reason as No.6.

So the field is still wide open. First one to deliver a firkin at my door wins my vote?

*Actually two votes-I vote on my mother’s behalf as well. Electoral fraud? Only if they catch you.  


Cooking Lager said…
We need a picture of the labour lass. I want to know whether she is bang tidy or it's just a matter of low standards / only woman on your part.
Tyson said…

Check out
and tell me if I'm wrong
Cooking Lager said…
Bang Tidy. An Asian Christine Bleakley. Beats Hazel Blears. She'd get my vote.
Barry said…
I would. If the wife would let me.
Tandleman said…
I already had a heads up on Maryam Khan's attractiveness from none other than Joe Stalin. No PC shit from him.

He also said she was the only one to turn up for interview.
Penny said…
You should stand for elected office, yourself.
Tyson said…

Her official slogan is "Yes We Khan" but I think you're onto a winner with that slogan. "Vote for Khan-the Asian Christine Bleakley" works for me. Anyway her office is en route to a couple of boozers, so I called in. Seems she isn't against booze per se and even indulges a bit herself. There was also an undeniable sexual tension between us, so I think she'll be getting my vote(s).


I did once stand on the platform of traditional British values: fair play, integrity, equality. And free beer.
Tandleman said…
In no particular order I vote for Penny and Reanna.

We'd all stand for them.
Curmudgeon said…
Stephen Evans-UKIP. Actually goes out of his way to say he wants the smoking ban repealed.

Gets my vote then, obviously ;-)
Penny said…
Thanks, Tandleman. I'd vote for you anytime:)

Popular posts from this blog

The Kimberley Club

British Guild Beer Writers Awards & Camden Brewery

Breakfast Beer Tasting: Suke Quto Coffee IPA